Coronagrump

Issue 2

Brought to you by Charles Barker,

still isolated at home in Islamabad

But now, let’s be positive…

 

Not everything is locked down

 

Sunrise is not locked down 
Love is not locked down 
Family time is not locked down 
Kindness is not locked down 
Creativity is not locked down 
Learning is not locked down 
Conversation is not locked down 
Imagining is not locked down 
Reading is not locked down 
Relationship is not locked down 
Praying is not locked down 
Meditation is not locked down 
Sleeping is not locked down 
Work from home is not locked down 
Hope is not locked down 


Cherish what you have - locked down is an opportunity to do what you always wanted to do.

Miscommunication

 

I heard some advice on the radio the other night. It said that to have inner peace, we should always finish things we start and that we could all do with more calm in our lives.

 

I looked through my house to find things I had started but had not finished. So, I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Whisky, a bottle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of a Valiumun scriptun and a bux a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablusI feel rite now.

 

Sned this to all who need inner piss. An tellum u luvum. An two al bee hapee wilst in de installation.

                                

AND talking of miscommunicating,

Poor chap, he’s been waiting for the job for over 70 years.

 

* Islamic State (ISIS) has apparently adopted a safety-first approach to the Corona virus pandemic and advised its members not to travel to Europe, according to Homeland Security in the USA. In the latest edition of the terrorist group’s al-Naba newsletter, its new leader Abu Ibrahim al-Hashimi al-Quraishi, who normally urge followers to carry out attacks on the West, instead asked them to "stay away from the land of the epidemic" for the time being. (Obviously no virgins in it for death by virus - Ed.) 

 

* With an increasing incidence of stress related illnesses facing already overstretched medical services, the Worldwide Association of Psychiatrists have issued the following statement:

 

“During the QUARANTINE time, it is considered completely normal to talk to your plants and flowers. However, should they talk back, please contact us immediately.”

 

* Finally, in some old news just coming in from our correspondent in London covering  the great plague in 1664, Samuel Pepys writes,

 

“On hearing ill rumour that Londoners may soon be urged into their lodgings by Her Majesty’s men, I looked upon the street to see a gaggle of striplings making fair merry, and no doubt spreading the plague well about. Not a care had these rogues for the health of their elders!”

Seems that nothing changes!

*  In an unusual burst of anger, climate change activist Greta Thunberg challenged G20 leaders at their Skype meeting last week. 

Thank you for the great feedback from last week, along with a large number of contributions for this and future publications. Apparently, there’s certainly a taste for some lighthearted trivia to take our minds off the awful footage that is currently dominating our TV screens.

Now for the news –

 

* In many countries, the clocks were put forward on Sunday, but only by an hour. Many people were reportedly calling upon their governments to bring them forward by 3 to 4 months! If only…

 

* It has been reported that a number of high-ranking officials, politicians and dignitaries have contracted the Corona virus, some with potentially devasting consequences. 

Some silly snippets

 

With the forced so-called ‘lockdown’, people with children are finding it particularly difficult to cope. I heard recently of a somewhat backward teenager who wanted to know what his parents used to do when they were bored and stuck at home before the days of the internet. He asked his 19 brothers and sisters but they didn’t seem to know either! 

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“They said a mask and gloves would be enough protection to go to the supermarket,” complained an upset shopper. “They lied”, she moaned. “Everybody else had clothes on as well.” 

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If anybody needs any copies of Osteopath Weekly, I have some back issues.

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People must not cough near you, they must cough far away. If you come across someone coughing near you, tell them to 'FAR COUGH'

Things to do at home

 

With all this sitting around the house, not doing enough exercise, eating too many packets of crisps and having too many Quarantinis, I have been finding that my

In despair, I looked up my horoscope to see what the future held and saw this…  

Conspiracy Conspiracy theories abound as to the cause of the virus but the current favourite seems to be this one

shirt buttons have also started social distancing themselves from each other.

 

So, I thought I should at least try and go for a walk. I asked Alexa what the weather was going to be like in the evening and received the following somewhat scary reply. “Don’t worry about it. You’re not going anywhere.”

 

Actually, when it comes to Alexa (and Siri) I do worry. The other day my wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house. I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. Feeling a bit silly, I also laughed…and Alexa laughed…and Siri laughed. Really scary, huh?

it. Yet our lack of preparedness is astonishing. Perhaps its not surprising given the quality of some of our leaders.

Then of course there’s always plenty of reading to catch up on. Here’s an extract from a letter from F. Scott Fitzgerald, quarantined in 1920 in the south of France during the Spanish Flu outbreak, which by the time it was over, had killed some 33 million people worldwide.

“…The streets are that empty. It seems as though the bulk of the city has retreated to their quarters, and rightly so. At this time, it seems poignant to avoid all public spaces…even the bars…I weep for the damned eventualities this future brings…”

The thing is, we know these plagues come after us repeatedly, even the Bible mentions

 

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Finally, in breaking news, I am pleased to report that after secret tests, President Trump has tested negative for the Corona virus... and also for leadership, empathy, intelligence, locker room humour, real hair, natural pigment, truthfulness, morality, honesty, adult hands, integrity…

In the meantime, be sure not to run out of anything, and please keep safe and well.

Undeterred, I resorted to my current e-jigsaw puzzle. There are some great apps to download with a huge variety of puzzles. You can spend hours on them and vary the level of difficulty according to who is playing, so great for all family members and there's no clearing up to do between meals!

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If you receive an email or a WhatsApp with the subject 'DING DONG', don't open it. It's the Jehovah Witnesses working from home.
1st April 2020

Serving lunch,

pre-Corona

Thinking about lunch, post Corona