Coronagrump

Issue 3

Brought to you by Charles Barker,

still self- isolating after 3 weeks at home in Islamabad

11 April 2020

Always had

something to say BC

The 'SUPERHERO CLUB' 
welcomes a new
member

Once again, thank you for the enthusiastic response to the last Issue of Coronagrump, and for your many contributions for future editions. Please continue to share any thoughts you may have about the 'Grump', send me cartoons, videos, jokes, funny stories, true or made up...anything that we can publish here to raise a smile in these troubled times. Just click on the image below to share your thoughts...

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Please don’t be disappointed if your contribution is not immediately included; it will be soon.

So, without delay, let’s get on with the latest news. 

The News

🦠 Following a number of very public gaffs, often made at the White House daily press briefings and in direct conflict with his advisors, President Trump has sought a new persona, in the hope that the consequences of his announcements will not be held against him in the future. 

In his first statement as the 'new' President on 20th March 2020, Trump helpfully announced that “People are dying who have never died before.” So now we know!

🦠 While many world leaders are doing as good a job as could be expected under the circumstances, others are clearly not. The BBC has reported that Alexander Lukashenko, President of Belarus, recently labelled the Coronavirus a "psychosis" that can be fought with vodka, saunas and driving tractors.

 

ED: The trouble is, there’s just never a tractor around when you need one!

🦠 News is just coming in of an unreported event that took place between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump shortly before the election in 2016.

 

Apparently the two visited a Bakery at the same time while campaigning. Hillary put three pastries into her bag and whispered to Trump, “See how clever I am? The owner didn’t see anything and I didn’t have to lie. That’s why I’m going to win this election.”

 

Trump replied, “That’s so typical of you; trickery, deceit and theft. Now I’m going to show you how to get the same result honestly.” He then said to the baker, “Give me three pastries and I’ll show you a magic trick.” The baker handed over the pastries, which Trump proceeded to eat.

 

Curious, the baker asked, “So, where did they go and who’s paying?”

“Look in her bag,” said Trump grinning, as he walked out of the bakery.

 

🦠 There have been significant differences around the world in the manner in which police forces have been interpreting their duties to enforce ‘stay at home’ government policies. News just in from Austria has caused considerable unrest.

🦠 In hugely disappointing news, the official opening of the new James Bond film, 'No Time To Die', has been postponed to 12th November 2020 due to the closure of cinemas around the world. 

 

With Britain’s favourite spy now having nothing to do for 8 months, Her Majesty Queen Elisabeth ll has unusually stepped in to help out with yet another furloughed Englishman.

Things to do at home

Perhaps it’s time for a little self-indulgence, especially if you are on your own?

 

For example, my next-door neighbours are an energetic young couple who are finding the social isolation increasingly frustrating. I’m bored too, so as a good neighbour, I have been helping them make a porn film…they just don’t know it!

You might consider purchasing one of these clever soft-foam, memory mattresses. Just be careful that it doesn’t end up blackmailing you! 

 

One reader made contact with us in a state of some alarm. He and his wife had been holidaying and hadn’t been able to make it home before a lockdown was imposed. His teenage kids were on their own at home, but that was not the cause of his anxiety. Rather it was the fact that he had left the keys to his extensive wine cellar at home and… 

 

On the cooking front, Shahnaz has produced another offering for us called Chicken 19, so easy to make, that even I can cook it! Click on the coriander leaf for details of CHICKEN 19.

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And on the drinking front, here’s a game to play that is fun for two. It’s called ‘Draughts’ or ‘Checkers’ and is played exactly as you have always known it, except that instead of counters you use glasses of wine or spirits. So, for example, for white counters use gin and for black counters use whisky. When you take your opponent’s glass, they must drink the contents. The winner is the last one standing.

Why not try reading a little poetry? There's some great poems written at the time of past plagues and which record that treatments haven't changed much. This one is by Kathleen O'Mara in 1869 but which received wide circulation in 1919 during the Spanish Flu Pandemic.

And people stayed at home 

And read books 

And listened 

And they rested 

And did exercises 

And made art and played 

And learned new ways of being 

And stopped and listened 

More deeply 

Someone meditated, someone prayed 

Someone met their shadow 

And people began to think differently 

And people healed. 

And in the absence of people who 

Lived in ignorant ways 

Dangerous, meaningless and heartless, 

The earth also began to heal 

And when the danger ended and 

People found themselves 

They grieved for the dead 

And made new choices 

And dreamed of new visions 

And created new ways of living 

And completely healed the earth 

Just as they were healed. 

Doing a course is another idea. Here's one on Anger Management in which it is advocated that if you’re mad at someone, it helps to sit down and think about the problem!  
Or perhaps get into making your own facemarks - naturally also available in white.
Medical Reports

After a meeting in the USA to discuss the President's COVID 19 policy, the Medical Community released the following summation:

The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling that it was no good, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve presenting it.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the policy shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over our dead bodies!" while the Paediatricians told everybody to grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the policy was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists considered it a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that the proposal would put a whole new face on things, while Podiatrists thought it was a step forward. 

Urologists on the other hand were pissed off with the whole idea.

Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas while Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to challenge it.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

Everyone seems to agree one one thing, however; don't keep touching your face. Here's a tip - keep a glass of wine in each hand...

I recently saw a report about the stresses and strains of self isolation. It stated that some people are going crazy from being in lock down!

I was not surprised, as I had just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster and we all agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant. In the end the iron calmed me down. She said everything will be fine, which was odd because she’s usually the first one to apply unnecessary pressure and get all steamed up over nothing.

Perhaps the only benefit that the Corona virus has bought us can be seen reflected in the cartoon below:

And before we leave the medical community, news of a meeting between two Psychiatrists. They met, shook hands and then one asked the other, "You're very well, how am I?"

Thoughts about age

Much of the discussion over Covid 19 has been focussed on our senior citizens, in whose ranks I now find myself. Memories surface of those fabulous two films with Jack Lemon and Walther Matthau, Grumpy Old Men and Grumpier Old Men, the titles of which inspired the naming of this bulletin.   

Apart from the increased risks for us seniors associated with the Coronavirus, I am enjoying getting older. Everything becomes easier with age (well, maybe not everything!) and there’s nothing like putting a cocky upstart in his place. “Youth and talent are no match for age and treachery”, as a wise person once said!

 

I heard an amusing story about an elderly chap who was lying in a hospital bed with suspected Covid-19, an oxygen mask covering his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse Is assigned to give him a partial sponge bath.

 

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

 

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

 

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much, that was wonderful. Now listen to me again, very, very carefully: ARE - MY - TEST - RESULTS - BACK?"

Silly snippets

🦠   A plane was flying along with just five passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane then had engine failure and was going to crash; there were only 4 parachutes on board.

Trump said, "I need one. I’m the smartest man in the World and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!" He then grabbed a bag  and jumped.

Boris said, "I’m needed to sort out Britain." He took one and jumped.

The Pope said, "I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church." He took one and jumped.

Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."

The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the world took took my school bag."

🦠   I went on a positive thinking course recently. It was rubbish.

🦠   I’m hosting a social distancing party this Friday and none of you are invited.

🦠   Phone answering machine message - "If you want to buy marijuana...press the hash key." 
 

🦠   A man walked into the doctors surgery. The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time." 


The man replied, "I know, I've been ill."  

 

🦠   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. 

And finally, what Nature has to say about us

You all fell asleep in one world, and woke up in another. Suddenly Disney is out of magic, Paris is no longer romantic, New York doesn’t stand up anymore, the Chinese wall is no longer a fortress, and Mecca is empty. Hugs and Kisses suddenly become weapons, and not visiting parents and friends becomes an act of love. Suddenly you realise that power, beauty and money are worthless, and you cannot get the oxygen you’re fighting for.

But the world continues its life and it is beautiful. Now it only puts you humans in cages.

I'm sending you a message: You are not necessary. The air, earth, water and sky without you are fine. When you come back, remember that you are my guests. Not my masters.

I leave you with a stunning message from Nature. Just click on the picture to receive her warning.

With every good wish and for those who celebrate it, Happy Easter. Please keep safe and well -

 

                                        Cheers and beers

Charles