24 JULY 2020
"I'm not a psychopath, I'm a high functioning sociopath - do your research!"
The Coronagrump has been enjoying a growing distribution with each issue. This is thanks to you, the readers, who are passing it on and promoting it, so to you all,
a big THANK YOU on our 10th outing.
One fan sent an email of congratulations, but speaking from experience, cautioned that at the rate we're going, we stand a good chance of being accused of influencing the next US Presidential election. Now there's a thought! Thanks Vlad!
SPECIAL ISSUE No. 10
ED: "How lovely it is to do nothing and then rest afterwards."
THE TRUMP GRUMP
The headline masterfully read:
"Toxic Tulsa Turnout Troubles Trump", which seemed to me to be a pretty good omen and taste of things to come.
They say 'hope springs eternal' and there is every reason to be optimistic that this president's reign of ineptitude will soon be at an end. But the world has been fooled before. How could anyone have imagined that a dumb TV host and shady real estate developer with 6 bankruptcies, 5 kids from 3 different marriages, 11 charges of sexual assault, and 4,000 plus lawsuits against him to date in office, could have been elected as President of the USA?
This so-called 'Person of the Year' has managed in just 3½ years to outclass the 1918 Pandemic, the 1929 Depression and the 1968 Race Riots all at the same time!
So come on Joe, give him a bloody nose. The world needs you before there's a war with China, Israel feels encouraged to illegally annex half of Palestine and India feels empowered to drop a 'nuke' on Pakistan. Heaven help us!
FACE MASKS - the rights & wrongs, the +ve & the ve
I swear, we are fighting not one, but two pandemics; Coronavirus and Stupidity. The number of people who claim a right of freedom of choice NOT to wear a mask in public, and even resort to violence to protect that right, is astonishing.
Businesses, such as supermarkets and banks, certainly have the right to refuse entry to someone, either for not wearing a mask or for wearing the wrong type.
They also have the right to insist on taking your
temperature, so if you're feeling provocative,
have a care.
And talking of which,
It makes me wonder why we are so obsessed with trying to find intelligent life on other planets, when it's a challenge to find intelligent life here. Any self-respecting alien would run a, a, a light millennium!
Let us examine some of the benefits to wearing a face mask, other than protecting others from the risk of the spread and contraction of Covid 19. For those who have been called back to their offices, you can now 'mouth off' to your most hated colleague with ease...
No need for name tags anymore as T shirt designs take on a more practical approach.
But it's important to wear your mask properly, unlike the two girls below.
The golden rule regarding the use of masks, is to treat them as you do your underwear.
Do not touch or adjust (especially in public).
Do not borrow or lend.
Make sure the fit is tight, but comfortable.
Make sure it is clean and changed at least daily.
Wear the right side out.
If it is stained, throw it away.
If it is damp, change it.
Don't go 'commando'!
* * *
Maybe, though, we're all getting too paranoid about contracting Covid 19. When all said and done, if you eat sensibly, sleep well at night, exercise regularly and drink plenty of water, you're going to die anyway! So perhaps the best thing is simply enjoy yourself.
Apparently during the Middle Ages, the end of a regular attack of the plague would be celebrated with wine and orgies, so why not not check up the 'What's On' section in your local rag?
BACK TO SCHOOL...
There is much debate about the wisdom of a return to school. Probably the sooner children go back to the structure (and, hopefully, discipline) of a school regime, the better for all, including parents and teachers. There's simply too much pressure building up not to go back.
This argument was well illustrated in a recent report of a child asking its distraught mother why she was talking to herself in the kitchen. The mother replied absent-mindedly that she was having a Parent/Teacher conference!
As we know, children are all too often pampered and spoilt. These past few months, confined to their homes, with no social interactions and demented parents finally caving in to their child's obnoxious behaviour and demands because it's the easier option, will prove to have been a recipe for disaster.
As one child psychologist recently stated in a rebuke to parents...
"Some of you parents should stop worrying about leaving your children a better planet and instead, try leaving the planet with better children. "
Spare the rod and spoil the child, I say!
* * *
Anyway, the message seems clear; send them back to school as soon as possible and stop spoiling them...
...which will allow you more time for planning the future...
... and catching up on much needed exercise with your friends and getting plastered.
When they are back at school, they're going to need some catching up, especially when it comes to writing.
"Now children, remember the following rules for writing good:
1. Avoid Alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. They are old hat.
4. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
5. Be more or less specific
6. Writers should never generalise.
Seven : Be consistent.
8. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words that necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
9. Who needs rhetorical questions?
10. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
12Attention to detail with you’re spelling and grammar, punctuation; numbering and formatting."
In Science, they can simply learn that light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until they speak!
* * *
Clearly leadership is important here; someone who gives clear direction so that parents can plan ahead. If school is starting in August / September, then new uniforms will need to be purchased for example. If not, then the money can be spent on more alcohol.
Finally, if they've all behaved in class, they can be given a treat...
THE BUSINESS OF AGEING
Turning now from the little perishers, let's take a broad look at how things age.
The Horse and mule live thirty years
And nothing know of wines and beers.
The goat and sheep at twenty die
And never taste of Scotch or Rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at eighteen is mostly done.
The dog at eleven cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
The cat in milk and water soaks
And then in twelve short years it croaks.
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for nogs then dies at ten.
All animals are strictly dry:
They sinless live and swiftly die.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive for three score years and ten.
And some of them, a very few,
Stay pickled till they're ninety-two!
Of course, ageing isn't just about people and animals. For example, is there anywhere that doesn't have potholes in the road anymore?
Understandably, though, older people are feeling pretty fed up with the coronavirus...
...but some women are determined not to let it or the ageing process get them down. Shakespeare had his 'Seven ages of Man'; The Coronagrump has its 'Six ages of Women'.
Another issue relating to ageing is that of temper control. I may have said this before, but youth and talent are no match for old age and treachery!
A good tip I picked up the other day was when you get angry with someone, tell them you're going to count out loud to ten... then throw a punch when you get to eight - nobody expects that!
Conversely, Confucius had a thought on the the use of violence;
🦠 One effect of Covid 19 has been the imposition of crowd bans at sporting events. Players in all sports have been complaining that "it's not the same". However, since allowing a crowd of 50,000 people to come together and shout loudly at each other is contrary to the spirit of social distancing, they're jut going to have to put up with it for the time being.
'You're right, it's crap without the spectators'
🦠 China has been in the news a lot recently, for better or worse...mostly worse.
Their irresponsible, and sometimes illegal, fishing practices have garnered further attention in the Eastern Pacific. A fleet of 260 deep sea fishing vessels has established itself between Ecuador and the Galápagos Marine Reserve, where they are vacuuming out of the water anything that swims.. This area is on the migratory route of many sea creatures, including endangered species of sharks and whales.
The pursuit of their territorial ambitions in the South China Sea is causing many nations in the region much anxiety and the response of the USA to send in two carrier groups is escalating tensions.
And then there's the new National Security Law for Hong Kong...