Coronagrump

Issue 5

Brought to you by Charles Barker,

continuing to be amazed by the antics of the US President

30 April 2020

           Social distancing - back a bit...back a bit!

Message

        for aliens

I had been planning a bit of a change for this issue. I thought maybe it was time to ease up on the grumping about the frivolous and farcical things we see around us and try and write something a little more erudite and thought provoking.

The trouble is that despite my best efforts and the gravity of our daily newsfeeds, there is someone who seems quite determined to have the global community take the piss out of him and I feel helpless to desist.

Recent pronouncements about how to handle this awful pandemic have stirred up such a flurry of ridicule and humour, it seems a shame not to share them with you, so what can I do? 

Following the President's suggestion that detergents and disinfectants could be a practical solution to wiping out the Corona virus, along with both oral and anal applications of ultra violet, Dettol have shared with us details of some initial tests they have been conducting.

BEFORE      &      AFTER

But I kid you not when I tell you that some of Trump's followers are really taking his ideas seriously. The article below was reported from Evanston, Wyoming and is apparently TRUE.

EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store, area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure. “I got toilet bowl cleaner, carpet cleaner, Swiffer WetJet refills—you name it—just so me and my family will be ready if the president announces one of these things can treat Chinese virus,” said Mitchell, indiscriminately throwing containers

of laundry detergent, Scrubbing Bubbles, grout whitener, steel wool, Febreze, Tilex mold and mildew remover, and laptop screen wipes into the cart, the contents of which rang up to $2,513.67 at checkout. “I’m not getting caught without some oven degreaser should Trump say it’s going to save us, so I better go ahead and grab me a bottle. After this, I’m hitting the hardware store to pick up a 5-gallon bucket of roof sealant to make sure I’m prepared in the event that turns out to be what gets rid of the Wuhan. Could just be 10 or 20 squirts of Windex into each nostril. You never know what might work in a pinch!” At press time, neighbors confirmed Mitchell had been found unresponsive on the floor of his bathroom with several empty aerosol cans

of Rust-Oleum wax-and-tar-removing solvent by his head.

ASTONISHING!

 

Other suggestions indicate a link between the herpes virus to corona and again, trials are being conducted under the strictest security.

But now, here is the latest news.

THE NEWS

🦠 After having spent some three weeks off games after contracting Covid 19, the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, celebrated his return to work by taking his Cabinet of Ministers down to the pub for a good drink.

The Prime Minister's mentor, Mr Trump, has apparently been on the telephone to him constantly throughout his illness, providing him with helpful advice about the definitive way to handle the pandemic. Being an expert in the field and perhaps the only person on earth who really knows what he's talking about, Mr Johnson has expressed considerable gratitude towards the President.

🦠  In BREAKING NEWS, a scandal is emerging following revelations of another affair between the President and an ‘exotic actress’, as she was described (ED: i.e. Porn Star!)

The White House claims that this has nothing to do with the recent announcement by the President to cancel his daily press briefings, citing instead that the decision reflected the lack of respect and generally rude behaviour of the fake news press corps.

🦠  In a statement from the police, they clarified that social distancing would not be an acceptable excuse from suspected felons and curfew breakers trying to avoid arrest by running away from them.

They further stated that anyone caught trying to follow the President’s advice by injecting their spouse with disinfectant, however well intentioned, would be arrested and charged with Domestos Abuse.

🦠  On the economic front, prices of various commodities are experiencing huge shifts. Most noteworthy is that a roll of lavatory paper is now worth more than a barrel of oil.

 

🦠  There has been a huge increase in parcel and package deliveries since lockdowns were put in place in many parts of the world. FedEx and UPS have been particularly affected by the pressure and have now merged to become Fed-Up.

🦠  Professionals from all disciplines have failed, however, to address a key question being asked by many. Namely, if a fart can get through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you from Covid 19?

🦠  In some good news, we stated in Issue 3 that a couple had been obliged to leave their home in the hands of their children, leaving access to a sizeable and unlocked wine cellar. We are happy to report that they they have just been able to return home and despite their worst fears, have found the cellar mainly intact. When asked why they hadn't't raided the cellar, the children explained that most of the bottles were old and they only liked new 'stuff'. Yet another example of the benefits of age and maturity! 

🦠  Studies are revealing an alarming deterioration in the wellbeing of many families on lockdown. A special report follows:

FAMILY STRUGGLES

Doctors and social services have been expressing concern at the increase in domestic stress and anxiety associated with the lockdowns in place in so many communities. This has been especially affecting children who have been showing symptoms ranging from bolshie attitudes (what’s new?) to paranoia. 

Left: A young person with attitude (no, I'm not the grandfather!)

Above: Twins unsure about the year or their age.

Adults have been showing increasing signs of gravitating towards either becoming kitchen deities or alcoholics, leading to speculation that in 20 years, the world will be led by challenged children that were home-schooled by alcoholic chefs. Some adults have even been seen trying to engage with statues. 

There has also been an upsurge in concerns over sexual health as associated with Covid 19. Conventional wisdom suggests that couples should refrain from touching and kissing and should under no circumstances engage in any form of sexual activity. Married couples should carry on as normal!

OUR PETS

There is a particularly important group that has also been suffering the effects of the Corona virus - our animals. It is not just humans that have been having a hard time, but also various animals and pets, all now finding themselves having to adapt to a new and often uncomfortable relationship with us people.

One hitherto faithful hound told us through an interpreter that he'd had enough and was looking for regime change with his humans.

"They are now here 24/7," he complained, "and I can't catch a wink of sleep. They're taking me for walks several times a day because they're bored yet stopping me from chasing cats and fighting with other dogs," he moaned.

"What's worse," continued the hound, "is that they are stinking the house up with bleach and disinfectant and won't even let me bark at the Fed-UP delivery man. I'll let them go for free to a good home," he declared.   

His friend from next door had similar comments, while a 

barnyard hen was feeling increasingly put upon by the demands of her owners.

But then sometimes, its the animals themselves that are making the grief for each other...

...while others are taking advantage of the empty streets and absence of human interference.

NOW FOR THE SERIOUS STUFF...

I would be delighted to receive any comments you may have on this article and will happily publish them in a later Issue.

In the meantime, please keep well and stay safe.

              CHEERS!

Charles