Coronagrump

Issue 6

A bit overdue by Charles , but in time to celebrate the UN's World Oceans Day on 8th June 2020

A fascination

for the oceans

01 June 2020

The gentle giants of the deep

I feel I should begin with an apology; it's been over a month since the last 'Grump', and I am sorry it has taken so long to bring out Issue No.6. 

The reasons are threefold. First, I mentioned in Issue No. 4 that we had discovered fields of cannabis all around our home. This led to some intensive horticultural activities which only came to an end when the local authorities sent in their stylish grass cutter and brought an end to our gardening enterprises.

The second reason relates to the publishing of my latest novel, which you are probably bored to death hearing about, so I won't say any more for now. Finally, trying to keep up with government instructions about what to do next, how many can meet at a time and where and how far apart, etc. etc., is pretty much a full-time occupation. Given that, for the most part, sound leadership is so abysmally lacking in just about every country, I am filled with dread at the planet's prospects in the foreseeable future.
With disharmony both within and between nations growing daily, what hope do we have to settle climate and environmental issues, conflict and mass migration challenges, food and water security...?
Well, that's the main grump out of the way, so let's turn to some more light hearted nonsense.

THE NEWS

🦠 In what is being seen as clear rebukes emanating from Southeast Asia, an open letter has been reportedly received in The White House, reading as follows: 
Dear America 
Western Liberal Democracy is very nice and all that, but shouldn’t it be optional? 
Cheers 
Asia & friends
While at the same time, a delegation delivered another letter, this time in Minneapolis. This one asked:
 Dear Policemen of America
As defenders of human rights and champions of democracy, please do not come to liberate Hong Kong.
Yours sincerely
China
(ED: I fear that the so called defenders of the free world are practicing global distancing!)
In an attempt to clarify the values of the United States of America, a bible thumping President posed in front of a handy nearby church to extoll violence!
🦠 Concerns are being raised around the world at the way in which some highly influential leaders are promoting as yet unproven remedies for Corvid 19. 
Cows urine from India and bleach, followed by anti-material drugs in he USA - we're in the hands of maniacs! But are the scientists in their laboratories any better?
🦠 Concerns have been expressed about the number of apparently under-qualified people being paraded on television to give so-called expert advice about the pandemic. This came to a head when the BBC inadvertantly called up the wrong 'expert' for a live interview.
🦠 And on the same theme, some are asking...
🦠 It has been affirmed that in the past in America, they had such idols as Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs to revere.
Today, however, they have no cash, no hope and no jobs!
🦠 Anxiety has been expressed that within just a few more weeks, unless hairdressing salons are opened up worldwide, 95% of blondes are expected to disappear!
🦠 Based on the successful call-up of so many frontline workers, moves are underway to arrange for the return of Barak Obama. It has been mooted that this might cause a Constitutional problem, in which case overtures are already being made to Mrs Obama.
(ED: Hope springs eternal!) 
🦠 It has been reported that the US Postal Service had been instructed by The White House to create a new stamp with the face of President Trump on it. After just a few weeks in circulation, it was discovered that the new stamps were not sticking to the envelopes. Congress was asked to investigate the situation and it was soon discovered that the public was spitting on the wrong side of the stamp! This has been recorded as another trial to be dusted quietly under the carpet.
🦠 Finally, police are being asked to temper their enthusiasm when it comes to issuing tickets for breaches in Pandemic regulations. Our correspondent in Heaven has stated that God is becoming increasingly agitated by the way humans and their political leaders are behaving. What started out as the divine equivalent of a slap on the wrist for badly behaved Homo Sapiens does not seem to be working. He is now considering introducing another, more severe outbreak of the Coronavirus in the Autumn if behaviour doesn't improve. 
FAMILY MATTERS 
A mother and toddler prepare to celebrate the UN's World Ocean Day on 8th June. (ED: It can't all be be frivolous!)
The pressures of self-isolation and lockdown have driven many people to seek desperate measures in the countryside to conduct their affairs. However, farmers have advised caution. 
Let's face it though, these pressures are getting to everyone. At home, little girls are saying one thing...
...while those going back to school, have all sorts of things to say...
...and of course, the grown up girls have something else altogether to say! 
But always remember, Big Brother is monitoring what you're up to. I asked Alexa the other day what the weather was going to be like at the weekend. The response sent a chill through my bones.
"Why?" replied Alexa, "Where do you think you're going?"
Being the man of the house is often a terrible burden, but thoughts of this might amuse you. How many of you knew that there is a flower called "Hanging Naked Men'? Isn't nature wonderful?
The two things we all definitely need, though, are hugs and kisses. Have a look at this lovely short video on the subject. 
THE ANIMALS

It's not just people who are suffering from the flood of contradictory governmental vs scientific advise, along with the social distancing, lockdowns and  mask. Give a thought also to our animals.

Cats of all kinds have been having a particularly hard time, it seems.

"Are you kidding? I have to catch mice through a mask?"
Neighbours have been unfeeling, while law enforcement has been accused of lacking sympathy...
...and it's not just been humans that have been resorting to oblivion in a bottle!
FOOD & VEGETABLES, GARDENING & THE AIR AROUND US
Had I know in March that it would be the last time I would eat in a restaurant, I would have ordered the dessert. The trouble is, too little exercise, not enough fresh air, too much food and booze...it's all taking a terrible toll on our bodies. I can hardly see my 6-pack anymore - well, to be honest, I haven't seen it for about 45 years and even then, it was largely fantasy.
Gardening doesn't really serve as a calorie buster either. I planted myself on the sofa 12 weeks ago and the only thing that's grown is my arse! To use contemporary jargon, I suppose I just have to socially distance myself from the refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.
   
Just to alleviate the boredom the other day, I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon...I'll let you know!
One of the benefits of the lockdown is, of course, cleaner air. If only we could go outside and enjoy it. However, my wife and I did sneak out for a quick walk the other evening, and it was so clear, she could could even see my point of view for a change!
QUOTATIONS
Corvid 19 has not stopped the annual awards for the quote of the century. The competition was tough, but the winning ticket went to a Clergyman in London who asked his congregation to share in the following prayer. "Dear God, can you please uninstall 2020 and download it again. It appears to have a virus."
Following on from this, I thought you might like to read some quotes of previous winners.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." 

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress." 

 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill 

 

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas (ED: I should probably heed this one!) 

 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde 

 

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill: "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... If there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response. 

 

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop  

 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating 

 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West 

 

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde 

 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder 

 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

___________________________

That brings us to the end of this particular outing. I hope this has replenished your thirst for trivia, but if you want to read something more serious and meaty, click here.
In the meantime, keep well and stay safe, especially now that restrictions are easing up. 
All the best
Charles