Revealed exclusively in this issue - results of the Covid 19 Beauty Awards, 2020
14 June 2020
Always overdressed from an early age but
liked writing and taking the Mickey!
For what you are
about to read, may the
Lord make you truly thankful. A, a, a, a, a....
In the past, political leaders would, from time to time, shoot themselves in the foot. Nowadays they seem to have extended their targets to knees, arms and anything else that takes their fancy. If only they'd direct fire at their own heads, we'd all be a lot better off.
I have to say though, that the leadership in my host country, Pakistan, is really doing an excellent job. It has had a clear policy and practical approach to managing the dreaded 🦠 right from the start, and now as things are easing, there are clear reminders of how to behave. I just hope that there'll be no misunderstandings as key elements are lost in translation.
Debate continues to rage between the powers that be and their advisors as to how best to 'unlock'. Scientists argue that we should remain in isolation for at least a year or two until we can satisfactorily produce and distribute a vaccine. Economists argue that we should simply carry on with business as usual and to hell with the consequences. And as the protagonists continue to argue and vacillate, the people are becoming restless and have taken to expressing their dissatisfaction with their leaders on the streets. This has had a number of unpleasant consequences.
And it's not just the people on the march. Our feathered friends are finding their lavatories are no longer there or are being boarded up.
In a related report, a vagrant who was taken into custody in a state of some confusion and alarm, stated that he had heard two statues talking to one another.
Upon further enquiries, it turned out that the two statues in question were due to be dismantled and as is the custom on such occasions, they were to be allowed five minutes of movement by Arthritisa, the goddess of statues, before being broken up.
Having stood on their plinths for more than a hundred years, both statues had just one thing in mind, and at the appointed hour, they felt their petrified limbs loosen and then set to work.
The vagrant listened aghast to an increasingly noisy commotion and later stated with conviction that he heard one statue say to the other, "Right, now you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on him."
Some other statues have been taking matters into their own hands...
...but these have been hunted down and dealt with in the approved manner, procedures introduced in joint cooperation exercises and exchanges between the United States and Israel.
🦠 In Royal news, Her Majesty Queen Elisabeth was photographed recently in the grounds of Windsor Great Park riding a favourite 14 year old Fell Pony, Fern.
Observers from the Prosecutors Office in New York observed that this wasn't the first member of the Royal Family to have ridden a 14 year old.
Ladies and Gentlemen, beware, you really don't want to mess with the Windsors - Meghan, nota bene!
🦠 An alarming study into the massive increase in alcoholism since the impact of the coronavirus took hold has just been published. Key findings include:
DIFFICULT things to say when drunk -
while things that are VERY difficult to say when drunk include -
and finally, among things that are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk, are -
No thanks, I'm married
Nope, no more for me
I don't want to see you naked