Coronagrump

Issue 7

Revealed  exclusively in this issue - results of the Covid 19 Beauty Awards, 2020

14 June 2020

Always overdressed from an early age but

liked writing and taking the Mickey! 

For what you are

about to read, may the

Lord make you truly thankful. A, a, a, a, a....

In the past, political leaders would, from time to time, shoot themselves in the foot. Nowadays they seem to have extended their targets to knees, arms and anything else that takes their fancy. If only they'd direct fire at their own heads, we'd all be a lot better off.

I have to say though, that the leadership in my host country, Pakistan, is really doing an excellent job. It has had a clear policy and practical approach to managing the dreaded 🦠 right from the start, and now as things are easing, there are clear reminders of how to behave. I just hope that there'll be no misunderstandings as key elements are lost in translation.
Debate continues to rage between the powers that be and their advisors as to how best to 'unlock'. Scientists argue that we should remain in isolation for at least a year or two until we can satisfactorily produce and distribute a vaccine. Economists argue that we should simply carry on with business as usual and to hell with the consequences. And as the protagonists continue to argue and vacillate,  the people are becoming restless and have taken to expressing their dissatisfaction with their leaders on the streets. This has had a number of unpleasant consequences.
And it's not just the people on the march. Our feathered friends are finding their lavatories are no longer there or are being boarded up.
In a related report, a vagrant who was taken into custody in a state of some confusion and alarm, stated that he had heard two statues talking to one another.
Upon further enquiries, it turned out that the two statues in question were due to be dismantled and as is the custom on such occasions, they were to be allowed five minutes of movement by Arthritisa, the goddess of statues, before being broken up.
Having stood on their plinths for more than a hundred years, both statues had just one thing in mind, and at the appointed hour, they felt their petrified limbs loosen and then set to work.
The vagrant listened aghast to an increasingly noisy commotion and later stated with conviction that he heard one statue say to the other, "Right, now you hold down the pigeon and I'll shit on him." 
*
Some other statues have been taking matters into their own hands...
...but these have been hunted down and dealt with in the approved manner, procedures introduced in joint cooperation exercises and exchanges between the United States and Israel.
THE NEWS

🦠 In Royal news, Her Majesty Queen Elisabeth was photographed recently in the grounds of Windsor Great Park riding a favourite 14 year old Fell Pony, Fern.

 

Observers from the Prosecutors Office in New York observed that this wasn't the first member of the Royal Family to have ridden a 14 year old.

Ladies and Gentlemen, beware, you really don't want to mess with the Windsors - Meghan, nota bene!
🦠 An alarming study into the massive increase in alcoholism since the impact of the coronavirus took hold has just been published. Key findings include:
DIFFICULT things to say when drunk -
  1. Innovative
  2. Preliminary
  3. Cinnamon 
while things that are VERY difficult to say when drunk include -
  1. Specificity
  2. Passive-disorder
  3. Transubstantiate
and finally, among things that are IMPOSSIBLE to say when drunk, are -
  1. No thanks, I'm married
  2. Nope, no more for me
  3. I don't want to see you naked
The study also noted an increase in worsening domestic behaviour, ranging from the simply unkind... 
...to the more extreme.
🦠 Teachers are finding difficulty organising classes under the new guidelines. "Some children have now been out of school for so long, that they essentially need to begin their education again," declared one ancient headmaster.
Some parents, however, have been keen to ensure that their children have continued their education without interruption. Here we see a photograph taken by a proud father as his son receives his graduation certificate from his 'on-line' teacher.
🦠 All over the world, local authorities are reporting an increase in people wanting to change their names. Although the reasons for this are unclear, conspiracy theorists are beginning to have their voices heard.
Others, however, are trying to get it right first time, such as this Indian couple who asked the doctor who had just delivered their baby to name their new arrival. "Social Distant Singh," the doctor suggested.
🦠 Finally, here is some breaking news from the high street. With only 193 days to go before Christmas...
FAMILY MATTERS 
Increasing pressure on families is leading to many parents abdicating their responsibilities and leaving their children very much to their own devices.
This is naturally leaving many children confused...
...and their core values in irreparable tatters.
It should be noted, though, that some parents are trying to encourage their children to embrace religion in these challenging times.
One family took their delinquent teenage son, Billy, to see the Archbishop of Canterbury, who was touring the inner cities and was allegedly performing miracles. Billy finds his place in the queue to meet the Archbishop and when his turn comes, asks, "Can you help me with my hearing?"
The Archbishop says, "Yes," and puts his hands over Billy's ears and prays. When he removes his hands, he asks the boy, "How is your hearing now?"
"I don't know," replies Billy, "it's not until next Wednesday." 
THE COVID 19 BEAUTY AWARDS
As with all international beauty pageants competition was tough. At this important gathering of world leaders, Judges were looking for moral ineptitude, narcissism, hubris, a track record of lies and fabrication and an ability to con the people of his or her country. 'Coronagrump' was on hand to see the finals which are presented here in this exclusive revelation. In reverse order: 
5th, Ms C19 Brazil
4th Ms C19 Israel
3rd Ms C19 India 
 
2nd Ms C19 United Kingdom
and in a clear victory, Ms C19 USA took 1st place.
ELECTION TIME LOOMS
I have long held the view that, given the impact that everything the USA says and does has on the rest of the world, we should all be allowed to vote on who runs the country. Whilst it is now arguable that 'making America great again' is actually desirable, making it at least SAFE again should be a starting point, and for that, of course, we will need a wall.
Perhaps an even better start would be leaking the article below to all news networks and ensuring that Trump's base hear it repeatedly. Then even Joe might get in...hope springs eternal!
I better go now. I can hear the sirens getting closer, and I'm going to need all my diplomatic skills to maintain my freedom. As Churchill once said, "Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions." Well, we'll have to see.
 
If it doesn't work and you don't hear from me again soon, it will mean I've been renditioned or I'm languishing in a putrid jail whilst looking forward to receiving your contributions for bail - please be generous; there's a lot of palms to grease! 
Meanwhile, stay safe and take care as C19/2 builds up a head of steam.
Charles