Coronagrump

Issue 8

Hope Marilyn is right and that Covid 19 will not last forever...

30  June 2020
Contemplating
those wise words
Talking of things not lasting forever, do you feel the tension building as we approach the 3rd. of November and the US Presidential elections? One spot of good news I heard is that there is a new independent candidate who has just entered the race, a certain Juan Bahama. A relative unknown, he seems to be gathering support all over the US. Given the existing choice, we wish him well. 
As regular readers of Coronagrump will know, much of the content is focussed on the horrid little boy below. He never listened to anybody or did as he was told... 
...and grew up to be the monumental PITA that we all know and loath today. 
So it would seem to make sense to dedicate a full section to him. We shall call it 'The Trump Grump' so those who are anxious to find out about his latest contributions to our stricken planet can head right to it. Actually, talking of stricken planets, if Eon Musk could find us another one and lend us a rocket, we could send him there as a social distancing exercise. One thing is for sure; we cannot afford to keep him here.
The latest pronouncement to come from him and his toady sidekick, Pence, is to stop Covid 19 testing. He seems to genuinely believe that he knows more about the subject of the corona virus than all the worlds' scientists and doctors, and his argument is that if you're not tested, you won't know if you've got it and the figures will look better. I mean, really? It's like saying,
In the US, tens of millions are unemployed and hundreds of thousands are dead from the pandemic's mismanagement. The national debt is at a record high of $25+ trillion (probably most of it owed to China) and the spectre of racism is looking darker than ever!
Around the world, treaties have been torn up, climate and the environment trashed, foreign relations binned and only the very worst regimes are being supported (India, Israel, Brazil amongst them). So Donald Trump, please, please go. 
NOW FOR SOME NEWS
🦠  A recent study on the spread of the corona virus has revealed that it is dependent on just two things.
1. How dense the population is, and
2. How dense the population is.
In the report's summary, the author stated, "If the last few months have taught us anything, it is that stupidity travels faster than any virus ever could."
To demonstrate the point, the scientist who has been driving the study, has suggested to Trump supporters that if they wanted to attend his rallies without a face mask, then that would be just fine for his ongoing thesis.
His observations continue, and indeed are supported by many. A spokesman for the 
Veterinarians Association who was asked to comment on the study, agreed with the findings, observing that if people think it's hard to train dogs, just think of all the humans who cannot 'sit' or 'stay'. 
🦠  A new book just published about Donald Trump alleges that, among other things, the President thought that Finland was controlled by Russia. When asked to comment, the Finnish Foreign Minister declared that, to be fair, they thought the same thing about Mr Trump.
🦠  A woman was being consoled by neighbours last night after loosing her husband while shopping. They had both been wearing face masks, and when she returned home, found that she had brought back the wrong man. 
🦠  Finally, it seems that 2020 is not the only year for the human race to have suffered such unmanageable events. An ancient stone found recently is a testament to previous global catastrophes.
THE FACTS ABOUT FACE MASKS, TESTING, CONTACT TRACING & OTHER PRIORITIES
For those needing clarity, let me begin with a graph that clearly shows where priorities lie in these troubled times. 

There is general agreement from the scientific and medical communities that wearing face masks is an important weapon against the spread of the corona virus. That said, there is increasing evidence that prolonged wearing of masks is having profound consequences.

In the way of all fashion, popular trends tend to repeat themselves, although it must be said that there has been little take up on these once popular accessories.

Frustrations are being experienced by the young...
...while those 
who couldn't wait are having to put up with the 
consequences. 
Tensions are being felt in the supply chain, especially with local fresh food markets, where no-one dares to lick their fingers.
And with all the debris that is constantly dumped in the oceans, even some sea creatures are taking to wearing face masks.
To augment the wearing of masks, there has of course been social distancing, a concept that worked reasonably well initially but, in the USA at least, seems to be unravelling as authorities relax their grip.
 
Then there's testing and contact tracing, at which some countries have been more adept than others.  
What is universally clear, however, is that everybody is pretty fed up!
THE BUSINESS OF FLYING
So far, 2020 has been a bit like looking both ways before crossing the road and then getting hit by an airplane. Except, of course, there aren't that many planes flying.
    
Where I live that's probably just as well. Following a major crash here recently, the subsequent investigation has revealed that over a half of the national carrier's pilots are not actually qualified and have been using forged licences and fake certifications to earn their wings. The examiners, who are doubtlessly well rewarded for their oversight, presumably only hear and see what they want to hear and see.
A bit like the young lady below who, when told by her husband that he was going out golfing all day, simply heard, "Go ahead and buy all the clothes and champagne you want Darling."
Commercial aviation is under the jurisdiction of Air Traffic Control (ATC). They have worked out a great system for ensuring their indispensability. Essentially, the chances of two planes colliding in mid-air is quite remote, so ATC forces the planes into narrow flight corridors, thus significantly increasing the risk of collision.  Their job then is simply to keep them apart from each other.
Here follows some exchanges recorded between ATC and pilots:

🦠  The female pilot of a regional Embraer, 

inbound at the reporting point over Manly Beach, USA, received the following eyebrow-raising call from ATC. 


Tower: "Flybe WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I'm going to have to hold you over the Manly area." 


The pilot's reply cannot be printed here.

🦠  One can only imagine what the pilot in this video was thinking, although the incident was not attributable to ATC.

🦠  Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles out!" 


Delta 351: "Give us another hint Control! We have digital watches!"
 

🦠  One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a 727 landed. The 727 landed, rolled out, turned around and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian on the 727's flight deck got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" 


The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go, came back, "That's affirmative, I made it out of 727 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough bits for another one."

And finally, just to prove that ATC really can be important,

🦠  A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" 
The student: "When I was number one for take-off."
 



Essentially, though, not many of us are flying again yet, leading one to realise that...
HEALTH AND SAFETY ...
at a stretch
I am finding as I get older, I can get away with pretending not to have understood something or misheard some well intentioned advice that I'd prefer to ignore. It's great! 
       
For example, my doctor recommended that I put a bar in my bathroom as my balance can sometimes be a bit wobbly. Here's the result - fantastic! 
Mind you, getting older also has a downside, as the bats below are speculating.
It's been a long time since my lockdown began in mid March. Just over three months, a bit like being back at boarding school for the summer term without the freedom! There were people there that you hoped you would never to see again, in effect, be socially distanced from. Well, when this Covid 19 is over, there are a number of people I wish to maintain at a social distance from. What a great excuse it will be.
But seriously, are you starting to go a bit crazy? I am now having regular discussions with the dog. The other day he looked up at me and said, "Now you know why I chew the furniture when you shut me up." He had a point.
Talking of God giving things out, did you know that the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve. Naturally it was an Apple, but had very limited memory, just 1 Byte, and soon everything crashed.
And here's a classic, if you can believe it. As if death by electrocution isn't enough.
Hangovers: the lowest form of accommodation in Victorian England was access to bend over a rope for the night for the price of a penny. This was most often used by drunks and gave rise to the term 'Hungover'.
Finally, a new study by doctors on peoples' life expectancy has revealed that women
who carry a little more weight tend to live longer than men who mention it!
__________________________
That's it for now. A couple of weeks should give plenty of time for the clowns in high places to provide lots of good material for the next Coronagrump and Trump Grump - and remember, contributions are always welcome.
Charles
Cheers and beers